NO ARGUMENTS - BY SAURAV SHANTHARAM

 Sam Horn’s five-year-old son Andrew and she stopped at their local ice-cream store to get dessert for his birthday party. The place was packed with people ordering complicated sundaes and milkshakes. A high-school girl was alone behind the counter. Though working as fast as she could, she seemed to be falling further and further behind. At last she called their number, and Sam asked for three litres of chocolate chip icecream. 'Three litres!’ the girl said, hands on hips. 'Do you know how hard it is to scoop three litres?’

Sam was tempted to let her tongue loose with 'Well, excuse me! I thought this was an icecream store!’ Instead, she held on and asked herself a question she often raised when she’s on the brink of an argument: 'why would she say something like that?’ Realizing, then, how overwhelmed the girl must have felt, she asked, 'Has it been one of those days?’

 Her hostility melted. 'It's been non-stop since this morn. I’m all alone, and I was supposed to get off at one o’clock, but...’ she continued to unburden herself as she packed their ice cream. When they left, she gave them a big smile and a friendly wave.

What do you do when someone says something unfair or unkind? Do you suffer in silence, not knowing what to say? Do you speak up, only to wish you hadn’t? It's natural to take offence if someone is rude. You may think, 'What a jerk!’ But blurting out how you feel sets an adversarial tone and will only make matters worse. (Note: Here Sam Horn has called a tone of opposition as an adversarial tone since it is always going to have an adverse effect on matters. An adversity needs to be dealt with smartly, not argumentatively.)Dealing with difficult people is a part of everyday life. And there are non-combative ways which can armour and shield the validity of what you are telling without stepping on anyone’s toes and starting an argument. She calls these techniques, 'Tongue Fu!’

1.)Handle hassles with humour: At San Francisco International Airport, she saw a tall young man walking towards her. People were pointing at him, giggling. As the towering fellow fast approached, she could see why. His T-shirt announced, 'No, I Am Not a Basketball Player.’ As he passed, she turned and saw the back of his shirt, only to see 'Are you a Jockey?’ She chased after him to ask where he got his terrific shirt. 'This is nothing,’ he said, grinning. 'I have a whole drawer full at home. Her favourite says, "I’m 6 feet 13 inches and the Weather Up Here is Fine.”He went on to explain, 'I grew almost 30 centimeters between age 16 and 18. People were making smartalec remarks. His mum finally said, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.” She’s the one who thought he should wear those T-shirts, which was probably why he didn't lose his cool even with that extravaganza of his. Clever young man, clever mum.

All of us have hot buttons that can cause us to lose our cool, when they don't keep the body cool. If you have a condition that bothers you, try having fun with it. Start collecting comebacks(quick replies for critical comments.)

A worker from the US Internal Revenue Service(IRS), which collects income tax and other taxes, explained to her, 'Just about everyone who comes in here is antagonistic. Instead of taking offence, we’ve posted bulletin boards with comic strips that poke fun at the IRS, which we jokingly call the Income Removal Service.’ (Note: Here the phrase 'Just about everyone’ is similar in meaning to 'Almost everyone.’) One of the cartoons showed an auditor telling a citizen 'The secret is to stop thinking of it as your money. Another says, 'Sorry, we’re IN!’ Notes the IRS worker’, 'When taxpayers see these, their attitudes change for the better.’

2.) When people complain, don't explain: The phone rings at work. You pick it up and the caller launches into a complaint. 'I asked for a catalogue three weeks ago and I still don't have it!’ What kind of a business are you running, anyway?’ Don't bother explaining that half the staff is out with an epidemic. Well-intentioned though they may be, such explanations usually add to the complainer’s aggravation because they come along as valid reasons, but go across as excuses. If the complainer has a legitimate gripe, avoid belabouring what went wrong. Instead, admit, apologize and then move on to what to be done about it. Simply say: 'You’re right. I apologise. If I can have your name and address again, I'll personally mail it to you today.’

She recently witnessed this approach firsthand. The reception area in her doctor’s office was full. The man 

across from her had already scanned the pile of tattered magazines and was squirming in his seat, looking at his watch every few minutes. Finally, he marched to the receptionist’s window and rapped on the glass. 'What's going on?’ he demanded indignantly. 'I had an appointment for three o’clock!' 'You’re right,’ said the receptionist. 'I am sorry you’ve had to wait so long. The doctor was held up in surgery. Let me call the hospital to see how much longer he’ll be. I appreciate your patience.’

Telling someone you’re sorry doesn't mean you’re admitting guilt. It simply acknowledges his frustration and, infuses tolerance and defuses the complaint. Then by taking action and focusing on what can be done than what hasn't been done, you remedy a mistake even before it gets bigger.

3.) Exit gracefully. A man she knew said he and his better-half went to her parents’ house for dinner one night. 'While we were eating,’ he recalled, 'I mentioned that the highway construction was stalled again. What a mistake!’ My father-in-law said 'He’s glad.’ He went on saying 'That highway never should’ve been built! It's devastating an important historical valley.’ He said 'Well, I spend over an hour each day commuting to work. I told him I thought the highway was a necessary evil, taking its toll on the historical valley. Because there are four times as many cars as there were a score years ago, on the same number of roads. The road networks have never become denser.’ The in-law grumbled 'it is typical of your selfish generation to think more about your commuting time than a significant archaeological site.’

I lost my patience and said, 'You can't stop progress!’ 

That did it. My father-in-law stood up and walked away, saying, 'I don't have to sit here and listen to this at my own dinner table.’ I wish the whole thing had never happened. If I’d been more vigilant to how volatile this subject was for him, I could have prevented the whole unfortunate incident by saying, "Let's agree to disagree about this,” and politely steering the conversation to something else.

In almost every controversy each side has legitimate points, so agreeing to disagree is one of several graceful exits from a no-win discussion. If it’s obvious that you won't change the other person’s mind and he or she won't change yours, stop before you do irreparable harm. "Spoken words cannot be taken back!” (Note: Here, Sam Horn has used another proverb, to convey what she wants, in yet another way.)

One more effective way to sidestep stalemates is to say, 'We’re both right!’ and to drift to a safer topic that could gear up the conversation. Or you can gracefully bow out before you even bow in. 

She was talking with several colleagues, and the conversation turned to the governor’s race. The campaign had become ugly, with each party charging the other with dirty deeds. Her companions were on opposite sides of the political fence, and their discussion became heated. One turned to her and asked, “Who do you think should be elected governor”? She wasn't about to get involved in their no-win debate. She put her hands up and said with a smile,”Leave me out of this one.” No matter what the situation, arguments are a waste or, at best, a misuse of time. By avoiding fruitless arguments, everybody wins.

According to her, arguments let the prevailing circumstances solely decide your stance and hence, they can, only be heated and never be spirited!